“A lot of people are saying I’m some kind of machine, or super alien,” St. Pierre said, “but that’s silly.  I mean, me being an advanced being from the Na’Xeta solar system is about as likely as a Darunian marrying a Trandelian.”

The former champ mounted his strongest assault in the second round, sending a fierce kick into the general vicinity of the challenger’s head.

“I really thought I had him where I wanted him,” Serra said.  “I mean, I came this close to landing a strike there in the second, and once you have one, you’re probably going to land a second one at some point, you know?”

Sandwiched around Serra’s narrow miss, St. Pierre ran a clinic on how to thoroughly confuse the hell out of your opponent, attacking Serra from every angle and in every facet of the game.

Once again adorned in the UFC Belt, St. Pierre spoke with guest commentator Kenny Florian, wherein he thanked the crowd, respected his opponent and misspoke in a manner which was hilarious to those who speak English as a primary language.

On the under card of televised bouts, former Middleweight Champion Rich Franklin withstood the onslaught of Cardio-factory Travis Lutter.  Lutter looked to have Franklin in trouble early with a deep armbar, but Franklin escaped.  Lutter apparently was then informed that he was no longer allowed to carry his hands above his waste, leading to an inevitable stoppage.

“I really felt like I was ready to go today,” a disappointed Lutter said after the fight.  “Then at the last minute I found out we were going three five-minutes, when I thought it was just three minutes.  It’s an easy mistake to make.”

The highlight of the night came in the battle between Nate Quarry and Kalib Starnes, which was fought under the newly-instated Variety Show rules.

Quarry jumped ahead early on the scoreboard, winning the fighting portion of the event to take the 1-0 lead.  Starnes answered strong in the 800 meter dash however to knot the score, meaning the outcome would hang on the results of the final event, the dance-off.

Starnes had no answer for Quarry who stunned his opponent with The Running Man, before closing the door with a Busted Sprinkler to take the fight 2-1 on all three scorecards.

“I just want to thank everybody for their help,” Quarry said afterwards. “My muay thai coach, all the guys at the gym, and of course JT.  If it weren’t for the inspiration I found watching ‘Sexy Back’ I’d have been lost in their today.”

On the one hand, you have the sure-fire infallibility of Serra in this clash. Everybody saw the way he knocked the Canadian around the octagon like, I don’t know, whatever an American would play with instead of a hockey puck. Based on that performance, this fight is a no-brainer — Serra by whatever-the-hell-he-pleases, clearly, and if you don’t agree with the people shouting this claim (in CAPS, that is,) you can be sure they will inform you that you are clearly a “goddamn faggot” or “stoopid fuck.” Possibly both.

Then there’s the pro-GSP camp who apparently are unique in having seen more than that one fight by GSP, and as such are aware that he has a tendency to step into the Octagon and do terrible things to whomever he fights in more-or-less any facet of the fight game. In fact, when you look at his other performances, you really start to see how thoroughly outclassed Matt Serra is. I mean, really, what are those idiots that are picking Serra to win even seeing that makes them think he has a chance of making it out of the first minute, let alone winning. You know, besides that time he TKO’ed GSP in their first meeting.

In reality, this is a deceptively good match-up between, potentially, the best fighter in the world and the most underrated fighter in the UFC, who, by the way, just happens to still hold the UFC belt after beating said best fighter. Is it really that unreasonable that Serra could pull off the upset again? No, not really. Will he do it?

No, not really.

Elsewhere on the card, you have the career-stalled Rich Franklin, who can likely hammer every fighter in the UFC’s Middleweight division with one notable exception, yet can’t seem to escape a fight with Anderson Silva with a win or a one-piece nose, highlighting a cast of TUF veterans and UFC also-rans. Kalib Starnes makes an appearance against Nate Quarry, best known for being knocked stiff by Franklin, which of course begs the important question “how the hell is Kalib Starnes still in the UFC?”

Also of note, Michael Bisping makes his 185 debut against Charles McCarthy, taking his popularity on the road now that the UFC has finally realized it looks really bad when a guy they want to promote as a future star still gets booed by a home-town British crowd, even when he’s one of the few across-the-pond fighters they have in the big show.

One Ounce of News’ Picks:
George St. Pierre def. Matt Serra by TKO (Round 2)
Rich Franklin def. Travis Lutter by TKO (Round 2)
Nate Quarry def. Kalib Starnes by KO (Round 1)
Charles McCarthy def. Michael Bisping by Decision
Mac Danzig def. Mark Bocek by TKO (Round 1)
Jason MacDonald def. Joe Doerkson by Submission (Round 2)
Rich Clementi def. Sam Stout by Submission (Round 3)
Kuniyoshi Hironaka def. Jonathan Goulet by Decision
Alan Belcher def. Jason Day by Decision
Ed Herman def. Demian Maia by Decision
Cain Valesquez def. Brad Morris by TKO (Round 1)

Rampage wins the toss, and elects to pick the first fighter, and it’s CB Dolloway, who impressed the judges, but not America since we got to see three seconds of his fight. Shockingly, Rampage picks Jeremy May, who hammered his best friend in qualifying, and Luke Zachrich gets the unfortunate Mr. Irrelevant slot.

With selections done, Team Rampage gets underway with the med-checks and spot a nice batch of herpes residing on Paul Bradley’s next, leading to assurances by his teammates that they want nothing to do with him. Probably a sound decision.

Rampage is planning on learning to teach through this, and already has step one down — teach people to fight as if their very ass-virginity were on the line.

A dermatologist is brought in to check out the gross on Bradley’s neck, and determines it’s a stress-related case of herpes, that could be contagious. Good thing Bradley likes running, because Rampage let’s him know it’s all he’ll be doing so long as he’s a walking STD.

Forrest introduces us to his camp of trainers and rewards them for their help with degradation on national television. In motivating his team, he goes to the mother of all orators — The Girl Next Door‘s Matthew Kidman.

Bradley is brought in back and told by Dana it’s time to go home. Bradley swears he’ll be clear in a day-or-two, but no-dice. Surely, this has nothing to do with his “turtles-fucking” fighting style.

Mark it down right now — you’re gonna see a lot of Mike Dolce this season, because he clearly likes talking to the camera.

Bradley’s leaving and fighters are sympathetic, which One Ounce approves of. They’re also offering conciliatory man-hugs, which given his reason for leaving, seems unwise.

Forrest pairs Jesse Taylor up against the diminutive Mike Dolce, and Dolce is left to assume that Taylor is a sacrificial lamb, which makes sense if you live in a backwards world where having the hammer is a bad-thing.

While Dolce is looking to pound on Taylor, he is nice enough to want to cook him some dinner afterwards, which has to be among the most passive-aggressive pre-fight smack ever rendered.

Rampage’s selection to return to the house is brought in, and it’s Patrick Schultz, who lost to last-picked Zachrich. The fighters and Dana don’t seem to think that the guy that lost to the worst winner was such a good decision, though who can guess why?

Rampage decides to take a trip by the house, and humbly inform us that he is “the coolest guy in the entire world.” A bonding session reveals that Matthew Riddle is apparently a 13-year old trapped in the body of a scary 22-year old fighter, who doesn’t even have a driver’s license.

Dolce offers Jesse the blessing of the Lord, before entering the ring and looking to pound on him mercilessly. Right.

Jesse wastes little time in taking Dolce’s back and looking for the choke, but Dolce looks to have the chin down. Dolce eventually rolls into Taylor’s guard, but soon finds his back taken again, though he is able to posture into side-mount. Forrest advises “Don’t worry about the choke, just stay on top,” which Dana must LOVE to hear coming out of the corner, and Taylor listens, taking the first round 10-9.

Second round and Dolce is again on the mat, though with guard this time. Progressed to mount now, and Dolce is rolling back and forth trying to avoid damage. Taylor again works the choke, and Dolce appears to get woozy, causing Herbie to step in and send Jesse to the second round.

Diaz was defeated in his last fight by K.J. Noons, but went down, as always, graciously.

Speculation post-fight chalked the defeat up to Diaz being unable to smoke-up before the fight, as it has been medically proven that marijuana is essentially the greatest performance-enhancing drug in the history of punching other men in the face.

Babalu’s career of late has seemed to be oft-plagued by the wrath of the Almighty. The cancellation marks the second time this year a card set to feature Babalu has been hindered, as his fight with the WCO in January was cancelled altogether when somebody finally got around to informing organizers that events cost money to produce.

The cancellation came on the heals of his firing from the UFC after non-repentantly holding a choke well after his opponent tapped, a clear violation of UFC Code of Conduct #7, which states that only fighters of Hawaiian lineage will be permitted to hold such chokes for such amounts of time.

“Yeah, I’m not quite sure what God’s problem with me is,” Babalu said. “I think it might be the whole named-after-gum thing.”

Attempts to reach God for contact were not answered, save for a brief rain of frogs.

“I’m just thankful for the opportunity,” Wiuff said after the event. “A lot of guys, in a lot of organizations, have to finish somebody to get a win on their record, but thanks to Yamma, I didn’t have to in order to get three, and that means the world to me.”

Fighting in the card’s Masters division, Mark Kerr took on Oleg Taktarov, and seemed genuinely surprised to find himself caught in a kneebar after going to the ground with “The Russian Bear.”

“I studied some tape on him before the fight,” Kerr said, “but that, I mean, there was know way we could have anticipated him throwing that at me in there. A kneebar from Oleg is pretty much unheard of.”

Fight #9 – Dan Simmler (0-0) vs Matthew Riddle (1-0)

Simmler is a Serra disciple who Rampage feels is straight from Sparta, whereas Riddle assures us he isn’t a pussy, which is good, since they don’t tend to do well in the fight game. The fight goes to the mat early, where the humble Simmler assures us he is among the best in the world, though nothing much comes of it. The two gaze longingly at each other for awhile standing before kind-of attempting striking. They press against the cage for awhile, before a failed take down by Simmler, and a foot stomp by Riddle, which One Ounce never approves of, nor apparently does Rampage. Riddle gets the fight to the ground but stands out of it, opting to circle and throw some Dan Berrera-esque foot kicks to his prone opponent bringing an ending to an insomnia-curing first round.

Round two is on and Simmler is out. Riddle lands a few more to the out-cold man’s chin, causing Simmler to moan feebly as he comes to, and the medic to order X-Ray’s on his jaw. Simmler doesn’t know where he is, asking repeatedly if it was a real fight or just practice. For those keeping score, it was a real fight. Well, I mean, kind of.

Round #10 – Luke Zachrich (7-1) vs Patrick Schultz (7-1)

Zachrich comes out first and tells us he doesn’t like Schultz’s hair. One Ounce agrees and would like to add his voice to the list as well. Both guys are coming in with solid records though, which has to make you wonder how they ended up paired-off.

Schultz catches a Zachrich kick and lands a hard one to the jaw, but after a brief stand up, finds himself on his back. He gets back up but Zachrich again takes him to the mat where Schultz eats a little forearm. Zachrich gets mount and lands some hard shots to force the roll, sinking in a ticket-punching rear naked choke.

Forrest offers a little jab at Rampage as fighters using his cornermen are besting Rampage’s at an alarming clip, causing Rampage to get on his guys.

Fight #11 – Tim Credeur (9-2) vs Erik Charles (10-5)

Creduer scores the quick take down, and quickly passes into side. Forrest says he’s a legit black belt at BJJ, and sure-enough, he takes Charles’ arm home with him soon after.

Fight #12 – Brandon Sene (2-0) vs Aaron Meisner (2-0)

After trying a high-risk armbar, to Forrest’s chagrine, Meisner ends up on bottom with Sene in side-mount. Rampage comes cageside to offer advise which Meisner doesn’t heed, earning Rampage’s distaste, though it proves to be irrelevant as Sene gets the win. Forrest jokes that he would listen to Rampage either, though no real venom seems on display yet.

Fight #13 – Mike Marrello (5-1-1) vs Gerald Harris (7-2)

Harris comes out like a buzzsaw, though we only get highlights of the fight. Harris earns some respect, and the unanimous decision to get into the house.

Fight #14 – Daniel Cramer (0-0) vs Jeremiah Riggs (1-0)

Riggs tries a really ugly triangle, and finds himself the victim of some mean blows from the mount. He tries to buck his way out but nothing doing, though he does make it to the next round. He tries some new moves that only he seems to know in the second, then gets docked a point for upkicking Cramer in the face about nine times.

As the coaches see it, Riggs has a ton of heart, but none of that skill stuff everybody likes to talk about, as Cramer takes the unanimous decision.

Fight #15 – Nick Rossborough (8-3) vs Jesse Taylor (6-2)

Taylor looks to takedown Rossborough, dubbed by the table “Slim Shady,” and does so with relative ease. Taylor ends up in mount, where he hammers Rossborough, before eventually getting the back and locking in a rear naked choke.

Despite the win, Rampage is unimpressed by Taylor, calling him a one-trick poney.

Fight #16 Josh Hall (3-2) vs Matt Brown (9-6)

Hall is coming in with the unique strategy of wanting to win, a motto he apparently follows through on 60-percent of the time. Dana promises a good fight, so essentially his entire reputation in the industry is on the line right here.

The two press into the cage early, and we learn Hall is Mac Danzig’s boy. Some nice punches in deep by Hall and the two separate. A nice throw from Hall get him on top, but Brown establishes guard and looks for a sub. Dana does his best Rogan impression, repeating “Got it, got it” as Hall easily escapes the hold. Brown cinches it in deeper this time though, and Hall tries twice to slam out which Forrest calls a horrible defense. Something says Rampage begs to differ. He escapes however, though he ends up on bottom with blows raining down on his tired face, leading to a stoppage by Herbie with just seconds to go in the round.

That brings an end to the qualification process, and Dana informs everybody there are no pussies in the gym, which I’d imagine is tremendously little consolation for the 16 guys going home. He assures us we have 16 deserving fighters, carefully bypassing that he’s compared one fighter’s style to turtles fucking.

That’s all for this week, next week we get some teams, and maybe our first match-up between the coach’s fighters.

Estimates are sketchy as to what the results of a Sylvia victory would be, but it is universally accepted it will be catastrophic. While some experts predict the result could lead to a black hole opening and swallowing the entirety of the MMA Universe, others claim there will simply be a lot of people looking really stupid after being forced to back up their “If Sylvia ever beats Fedor” bets.

Many backing the MMA Apocalypse theory point to a cryptic passage by none other than 9/11 Soothsayer Nostradamus.

“When men fight in bowls, the brown-stained giant shall topple the cyborg, and the Earth herself will be swallowed up.”

* – Neither fighter technically fights for either organization.

The two also disagree on who started the talks between the companies.

“Lorenzo like, totally said that he wanted to buy us first,” Sakakibara said.

Frank Fertitta disputed Sakakibara’s claim, stating instead that the brothers received a letter from Japan asking:

“Do you want to buy me?

[ ] Yes
[ ] No”

Zuffa has also put forth an expansive list of witnesses, calling primarily from MMA forums, where they claim to have multiple witnesses who will attest “PRIDE WILL NEVER DIE!!!!!!!!!!”

Jamal Patterson put up the most spirited effort for the challengers, taking the first round from Light Heavyweight Champion Vladimir Matyushenko. His efforts turned south in the second however, as he proved thoroughly unprepared to withstand multiple undefended shots to the cranium.

Shad Lierly was slightly less-successful in putting a test to the champ however, as he went to sleep in just 37 seconds following a Wagnney Fabiano punch. The knockout punch by the diminutive Fabiano begs the question “did Horodecki have pillows in his gloves when he fought Lierly?”

It was a rough night for the IFL’s poster Lightweights. The baby-faced Horodecki earned a close decision victory over Nate Lamotte, but not the precious love of the crowd he so desperately sought.

Horodecki’s mother was quick to offer a juice box as the young fighter exited the ring amid a chorus of boos.

Horodecki’s chief rival Bart Palaszewski was handed Jim Miller as a replacement, and with the much-hyped fighter coming off two straight losses, and attempts by the UFC to pry Miller away from the IFL, the Great Tattooed Hope was looked to for a bounce-back fight to earn the next Lightweight Title shot. Unfortunately, Miller seemed unwilling to bend to matchmaking’s will, manhandling the spell-check crashing Palaszewski, and wrapping the Midwest Combat fighter’s neck like a present at every opportunity en-route to victory.