We’re underway with an epilepsy-inducing display of Las Vegas lights. The fighters seem convinced that having fought their way into the house assures that people will respect them as fighters not reality TV stars, which at least makes it clear these guys know better than to hang around on MMA forums.
Rampage wins the toss, and elects to pick the first fighter, and it’s CB Dolloway, who impressed the judges, but not America since we got to see three seconds of his fight. Shockingly, Rampage picks Jeremy May, who hammered his best friend in qualifying, and Luke Zachrich gets the unfortunate Mr. Irrelevant slot.
With selections done, Team Rampage gets underway with the med-checks and spot a nice batch of herpes residing on Paul Bradley’s next, leading to assurances by his teammates that they want nothing to do with him. Probably a sound decision.
Rampage is planning on learning to teach through this, and already has step one down — teach people to fight as if their very ass-virginity were on the line.
A dermatologist is brought in to check out the gross on Bradley’s neck, and determines it’s a stress-related case of herpes, that could be contagious. Good thing Bradley likes running, because Rampage let’s him know it’s all he’ll be doing so long as he’s a walking STD.
Forrest introduces us to his camp of trainers and rewards them for their help with degradation on national television. In motivating his team, he goes to the mother of all orators — The Girl Next Door’s Matthew Kidman.
Bradley is brought in back and told by Dana it’s time to go home. Bradley swears he’ll be clear in a day-or-two, but no-dice. Surely, this has nothing to do with his “turtles-fucking” fighting style.
Mark it down right now — you’re gonna see a lot of Mike Dolce this season, because he clearly likes talking to the camera.
Bradley’s leaving and fighters are sympathetic, which One Ounce approves of. They’re also offering conciliatory man-hugs, which given his reason for leaving, seems unwise.
Forrest pairs Jesse Taylor up against the diminutive Mike Dolce, and Dolce is left to assume that Taylor is a sacrificial lamb, which makes sense if you live in a backwards world where having the hammer is a bad-thing.
While Dolce is looking to pound on Taylor, he is nice enough to want to cook him some dinner afterwards, which has to be among the most passive-aggressive pre-fight smack ever rendered.
Rampage’s selection to return to the house is brought in, and it’s Patrick Schultz, who lost to last-picked Zachrich. The fighters and Dana don’t seem to think that the guy that lost to the worst winner was such a good decision, though who can guess why?
Rampage decides to take a trip by the house, and humbly inform us that he is “the coolest guy in the entire world.” A bonding session reveals that Matthew Riddle is apparently a 13-year old trapped in the body of a scary 22-year old fighter, who doesn’t even have a driver’s license.
Dolce offers Jesse the blessing of the Lord, before entering the ring and looking to pound on him mercilessly. Right.
Jesse wastes little time in taking Dolce’s back and looking for the choke, but Dolce looks to have the chin down. Dolce eventually rolls into Taylor’s guard, but soon finds his back taken again, though he is able to posture into side-mount. Forrest advises “Don’t worry about the choke, just stay on top,” which Dana must LOVE to hear coming out of the corner, and Taylor listens, taking the first round 10-9.
Second round and Dolce is again on the mat, though with guard this time. Progressed to mount now, and Dolce is rolling back and forth trying to avoid damage. Taylor again works the choke, and Dolce appears to get woozy, causing Herbie to step in and send Jesse to the second round.
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