GSP Dominant at UFC 83 — Possibly Not Human

Eyebrows are being raised over the validity of Georges St. Pierre’s claims to be no more than a mere mortal following yet another dismantling of his opposition en-route to reclaiming his UFC Welterweight Title.  The latest victim of the Canadian’s sanctioned felony-assault was BJJ black belt, and former champion, Matt Serra.

“A lot of people are saying I’m some kind of machine, or super alien,” St. Pierre said, “but that’s silly.  I mean, me being an advanced being from the Na’Xeta solar system is about as likely as a Darunian marrying a Trandelian.”

The former champ mounted his strongest assault in the second round, sending a fierce kick into the general vicinity of the challenger’s head.

“I really thought I had him where I wanted him,” Serra said.  “I mean, I came this close to landing a strike there in the second, and once you have one, you’re probably going to land a second one at some point, you know?”

UFC 83 Preview

UFC 83, also known as “Serra vs. St. Pierre 2,” presents us with not only a clear sign that the creative minds at Zuffa took the month off, but also that rare occasion where roughly every opinion espoused online by fans of the sport sounds absolutely retarded.

On the one hand, you have the sure-fire infallibility of Serra in this clash. Everybody saw the way he knocked the Canadian around the octagon like, I don’t know, whatever an American would play with instead of a hockey puck. Based on that performance, this fight is a no-brainer — Serra by whatever-the-hell-he-pleases, clearly, and if you don’t agree with the people shouting this claim (in CAPS, that is,) you can be sure they will inform you that you are clearly a “goddamn faggot” or “stoopid fuck.” Possibly both.

Then there’s the pro-GSP camp who apparently are unique in having seen more than that one fight by GSP, and as such are aware that he has a tendency to step into the Octagon and do terrible things to whomever he fights in more-or-less any facet of the fight game. In fact, when you look at his other performances, you really start to see how thoroughly outclassed Matt Serra is. I mean, really, what are those idiots that are picking Serra to win even seeing that makes them think he has a chance of making it out of the first minute, let alone winning. You know, besides that time he TKO’ed GSP in their first meeting.

In reality, this is a deceptively good match-up between, potentially, the best fighter in the world and the most underrated fighter in the UFC, who, by the way, just happens to still hold the UFC belt after beating said best fighter. Is it really that unreasonable that Serra could pull off the upset again? No, not really. Will he do it?

TUF 7 – Episode 3 Play-by-Play

We’re underway with an epilepsy-inducing display of Las Vegas lights. The fighters seem convinced that having fought their way into the house assures that people will respect them as fighters not reality TV stars, which at least makes it clear these guys know better than to hang around on MMA forums.

Rampage wins the toss, and elects to pick the first fighter, and it’s CB Dolloway, who impressed the judges, but not America since we got to see three seconds of his fight. Shockingly, Rampage picks Jeremy May, who hammered his best friend in qualifying, and Luke Zachrich gets the unfortunate Mr. Irrelevant slot.

With selections done, Team Rampage gets underway with the med-checks and spot a nice batch of herpes residing on Paul Bradley’s next, leading to assurances by his teammates that they want nothing to do with him. Probably a sound decision.

Nick Diaz to Face Muhsin Corbbrey

Habitual stoner and, occasional fighter, Nick Diaz will, in an announcement fresh out of the time machine, return to action against Muhsin Corbbrey. The two were scheduled to fight in April but the event was canceled.  Diaz was booked for a new fight as part of the Le-Shamrock card, but the state of California was apparently unaware that Diaz occasionally hit the pipe until the days leading up to it, leading to his banishment from the card.

Diaz was defeated in his last fight by K.J. Noons, but went down, as always, graciously.

Speculation post-fight chalked the defeat up to Diaz being unable to smoke-up before the fight, as it has been medically proven that marijuana is essentially the greatest performance-enhancing drug in the history of punching other men in the face.

HCF Show Postponed

Hardcore Fighting Championship has announced that they will be postponing their upcoming event, previously scheduled for May 10. The postponement of the fight is just the last in a chain of events which many theologists are clinging to as proof that God in fact does exist, and really, really does not like Renato “Babalu” Sobral.

Babalu’s career of late has seemed to be oft-plagued by the wrath of the Almighty. The cancellation marks the second time this year a card set to feature Babalu has been hindered, as his fight with the WCO in January was cancelled altogether when somebody finally got around to informing organizers that events cost money to produce.

The cancellation came on the heals of his firing from the UFC after non-repentantly holding a choke well after his opponent tapped, a clear violation of UFC Code of Conduct #7, which states that only fighters of Hawaiian lineage will be permitted to hold such chokes for such amounts of time.

“Yeah, I’m not quite sure what God’s problem with me is,” Babalu said. “I think it might be the whole named-after-gum thing.”

Attempts to reach God for contact were not answered, save for a brief rain of frogs.

Yamma Revolutionalizes the Lay-and-Pray

The Yamma pit was promised to revolutionize the sport of Mixed Martial Arts in regards to the “lay-and-pray” style of fighting, and boy howdy did it ever deliver. Through the implementation of one-round bouts and a raised surface which places the defensive fighter’s legs right in prime grabbing room, the lay-and-pray was elevated to a true art-form, as the audience snoozed their way through an exciting night of fights which saw Travis Wiuff win the tournament.

“I’m just thankful for the opportunity,” Wiuff said after the event. “A lot of guys, in a lot of organizations, have to finish somebody to get a win on their record, but thanks to Yamma, I didn’t have to in order to get three, and that means the world to me.”

Fighting in the card’s Masters division, Mark Kerr took on Oleg Taktarov, and seemed genuinely surprised to find himself caught in a kneebar after going to the ground with “The Russian Bear.”

“I studied some tape on him before the fight,” Kerr said, “but that, I mean, there was know way we could have anticipated him throwing that at me in there. A kneebar from Oleg is pretty much unheard of.”

TUF 7 – Episode 2 Play-by-Play

Forrest’s first line of the episode and he is again concerning himself with the fighters’ aesthetics. I’m not saying somebody in editing is trying to make him look gay, I’m just saying somebody in editing is trying to make him look gay.

Fight #9 – Dan Simmler (0-0) vs Matthew Riddle (1-0)

Simmler is a Serra disciple who Rampage feels is straight from Sparta, whereas Riddle assures us he isn’t a pussy, which is good, since they don’t tend to do well in the fight game. The fight goes to the mat early, where the humble Simmler assures us he is among the best in the world, though nothing much comes of it. The two gaze longingly at each other for awhile standing before kind-of attempting striking. They press against the cage for awhile, before a failed take down by Simmler, and a foot stomp by Riddle, which One Ounce never approves of, nor apparently does Rampage. Riddle gets the fight to the ground but stands out of it, opting to circle and throw some Dan Berrera-esque foot kicks to his prone opponent bringing an ending to an insomnia-curing first round.

Round two is on and Simmler is out. Riddle lands a few more to the out-cold man’s chin, causing Simmler to moan feebly as he comes to, and the medic to order X-Ray’s on his jaw. Simmler doesn’t know where he is, asking repeatedly if it was a real fight or just practice. For those keeping score, it was a real fight. Well, I mean, kind of.

UFC-PRIDE Heavyweight Clash to Finally Occur*

The clash that’s been years in the making is finally ready to happen as the UFC Heavyweight Champion Tim Sylvia will square off against Pride Champion Fedor Emelianenko*. While the fight is not officially inked yet, the future of the world may well be put to the test should the two square off.

Estimates are sketchy as to what the results of a Sylvia victory would be, but it is universally accepted it will be catastrophic. While some experts predict the result could lead to a black hole opening and swallowing the entirety of the MMA Universe, others claim there will simply be a lot of people looking really stupid after being forced to back up their “If Sylvia ever beats Fedor” bets.

Many backing the MMA Apocalypse theory point to a cryptic passage by none other than 9/11 Soothsayer Nostradamus.

“When men fight in bowls, the brown-stained giant shall topple the cyborg, and the Earth herself will be swallowed up.”

* – Neither fighter technically fights for either organization.

Zuffa to Be Sued by Former Pride Brass

Former Pride owner Nobuyuki Sakakibara has filed suit against the UFC following the purchase, and subsequent passing, of the Pride brand. The suit alleges the Fertittas were accepted on a bid below other offerings on the promise that Pride would remain a premier organization under the Zuffa banner.

The two also disagree on who started the talks between the companies.

“Lorenzo like, totally said that he wanted to buy us first,” Sakakibara said.

Frank Fertitta disputed Sakakibara’s claim, stating instead that the brothers received a letter from Japan asking:

“Do you want to buy me?

[ ] Yes
[ ] No”

Zuffa has also put forth an expansive list of witnesses, calling primarily from MMA forums, where they claim to have multiple witnesses who will attest “PRIDE WILL NEVER DIE!!!!!!!!!!”

Champions Trounce Challengers at IFL New Jersey

Much to the surprise of everyone that doesn’t know how to read a betting line, all three champions defended their belts at the IFL’s New Jersey event.

Jamal Patterson put up the most spirited effort for the challengers, taking the first round from Light Heavyweight Champion Vladimir Matyushenko. His efforts turned south in the second however, as he proved thoroughly unprepared to withstand multiple undefended shots to the cranium.

Shad Lierly was slightly less-successful in putting a test to the champ however, as he went to sleep in just 37 seconds following a Wagnney Fabiano punch. The knockout punch by the diminutive Fabiano begs the question “did Horodecki have pillows in his gloves when he fought Lierly?”

It was a rough night for the IFL’s poster Lightweights. The baby-faced Horodecki earned a close decision victory over Nate Lamotte, but not the precious love of the crowd he so desperately sought.

Horodecki’s mother was quick to offer a juice box as the young fighter exited the ring amid a chorus of boos.

Horodecki’s chief rival Bart Palaszewski was handed Jim Miller as a replacement, and with the much-hyped fighter coming off two straight losses, and attempts by the UFC to pry Miller away from the IFL, the Great Tattooed Hope was looked to for a bounce-back fight to earn the next Lightweight Title shot. Unfortunately, Miller seemed unwilling to bend to matchmaking’s will, manhandling the spell-check crashing Palaszewski, and wrapping the Midwest Combat fighter’s neck like a present at every opportunity en-route to victory.